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Why Your Team Sucks 2018: Dallas Cowboys
Drew Magary
Your team: America’s Toilet Clog.
Your 2017 record: 9-7. Pretty amazing that they won nine ballgames despite putting more effort into preventing Zeke Elliott’s suspension than they put into winning actual games. During one three-game slump, they were outscored by 70 points. They let one dude sack their quarterback six times in a single game. And they allowed what is easily the dumbest Hail Mary touchdown I’ve ever seen:
Everyone knows Alex Smith can’t throw a football over a swimming pool, and yet the Cowboys let Tyreek Hill score anyway. Amazing. It’s almost like a football team owned by a reptilian camera-whore who treats every game like the Grand Opening of a new Carmax lot has trouble being consistent! FANCY THAT.
Your coach: Jason Garrett. Ever since the Double J shitcanned Jimmy Johnson for not participating in a bar toast and let Barry Switzer coach a Super Bowl while drunk, he has bent over backwards to bring in replacement-level head coaches and keep them around FOREVER to show the world that he’s not the drunken, impulsive freakshow he’s made out to be (and is!). As a result, the Cowboys occasionally fart out a 13-3 season, lose in the divisional round, and then suck for another four years before repeating the process all over again. You are currently entering one of those pronounced dips once more. America rejoices.
Your quarterback: Dak Prescott. Who could have predicted that Dak would regress in his second year and bear more of a resemblance to a fourth-round pick than a miracle franchise savior… except for the entire free world? It’s only gonna get worse for Dak, because I’ve seen this receiving corps and it’s fucking atrocious. Maybe that’s why he’s already kowtowing to his owner.
[video]https://youtu.be/4-LKF7X0Vu8[/video]
Suck up to Jerry and you will only grow more entrenched the more you underperform. It’s the same reason he still stands by Papa John, after all. By the end of this season, Dak is gonna have Quincy Carter’s numbers and he’ll still get a $75 million extension out of it. The NFL is in constant and dire need of fun, interesting young players, so of course Dak Prescott goes to Dallas and, in just two years, transforms into a lifeless company man. Georgia Tech will have a better passing offense than this team.
Behind Dak is something called Cooper Rush. That is the most Dallas name I’ve ever heard. Cooper Rush is a guy with frosted tips and Pennzoil-branded polo shirt who ejaculates pure Donkey Sauce.
What’s new that sucks: Dez is gone and burned every last bridge on the way out, which is fine because he’s been overrated for the past three years. The problem is that the Cowboys made virtually no effort to replace him with anyone useful. They’re gonna start Terrance Williams, man! Terrance Williams can’t even keep his CAR in bounds. Here’s Tavon Austin, who is good for one 60-yard reverse in garbage time twice a year. Here’s Allen Hurns, who had one good year with Blake Bortles before reverting back to being a dude named Allen Hurns. I was saying WHOOOO-urns. Jason Witten retired and his replacement is something called Geoff Swaim. Cole Beasley is still around and I hate him. That guy catches one slant route and suddenly every girl in fringe boots at the stadium is like COWL BEASLEY CAIN HAVE MAH BAYBAY!
The good news on offense is that the offensive line is still the Vaunted Cowboys Offensive Line™ (you must use the word “vaunted” when referring to it or else Jerry replaces you in the TV booth with a different ex-Cowboy), and Zeke Elliot is back for a full season. Last year, this man was suspended and then unsuspended and then re-suspended roughly 98,000 times. But now he’s back for good, which means Garrett will be forced to run him 50 times a game. AND you’ll get to be constantly reminded that Zeke is a complete prick.
Also, Zeke’s Dad is an Urban Meyer truther, so that’s neat. Jerry Jones will only stand by his players if they’ve assaulted someone.
Zack Martin is hurt already. Take away those three All-Pro linemen and this is Cleveland’s roster.
What has always sucked: It’s genuinely amazing that the #MeToo movement got Foghorn Leghorn out of the paint in Carolina, but somehow the Viagra-addled boa constrictor who presides over the Cowboys still remains tightly wrapped around the entire league. If you had to sketch out a worst-case scenario for America upon its founding, Jerry Jones would pretty much be it: a sentient tongue with everyone else’s money to burn.
This man’s brain is in his dick. Like the NFL itself, there is no PR crisis that Jerry Jones cannot make worse by barging in with his bad taste, his wooden fangs, and his wrinkly hard-on. He’ll just ride in, loaded up on Johnnie Walker, and then he’ll take a steaming dump to mark his territory. Jerry cannot live if he is not the sun around which all earthly garbage must orbit. He tried to get Zeke off and failed. He tried to get Roger Goodell ousted, failed, and got fined $2 million in the process. He tried to impose his own anthem policy on his team and failed. He took a knee BEFORE a game last year in an attempt to look compassionate (and to sleazily pre-empt any mid-song protest) and failed. He tried to stand for the anthem himself and failed.
And yet, this twangin’ racist shitheel still gets to be treated like Texas royalty. In trying to purge the NFL of any political context, Jerry Jones himself has become a political statement. He stands for all our societal ills. He is every rich corrupt asshole with busy fingers, feverishly trying to pry open both your wallet and your legs. That is why the Cowboys are now Ted Cruz: The Football Team, right down to the fact that they don’t actually win anything important. He is a horrible, nasty old shit.
See, that’s just like both Jerrys. Call yourself a self-made man and you get to act as if the world owes you everything. Look at this smug asshole:
That’s a man who knows he can fuck up over and over and over again but it doesn’t matter because he’s swindled his way into being bulletproof. Any defeat for Jerry is a win so long as it’s PUBLIC, and so long as his stupid toothy mug is seared onto your brain. This really is America’s Team, if you consider how fucking warped America is at the moment.
By the way, Cowboys fans are no better. They’re all cul-de-sac garbage from Highland Park and Frisco who congregate at Jerryworld because that’s the apex of fine culture to them. They’re also delusional idiots:
That’s such a Cowboys fan mentality. Like Jerry, Cowboys fans think all of their shortcomings are because someone has treated them very unfairly.
Sean Lee is gonna get hurt again. David Irving has already been suspended AGAIN. A week from now, Randy Gregory will be suspended 12 games for inhaling secondhand Pall Mall smoke as he’s walking out of the stadium. Get used to a lot more swing pass Hail Marys, kids.
Dez dropped the ball.
What might not suck: How old is Jerry? 75? Hey, maybe he’ll die!
Let’s remember a guy who sucked: I miss the days of Jerry personally drafting players like Kavika Pittman and Sherman Williams. Those were the good times. Just Jerry and a pint of overpriced whiskey and 17 yes-men in the war room, all of them looking on in horror as Jerry drafts anyone with broad shoulders and a sex addiction.
Drew Magary
Your team: America’s Toilet Clog.
Your 2017 record: 9-7. Pretty amazing that they won nine ballgames despite putting more effort into preventing Zeke Elliott’s suspension than they put into winning actual games. During one three-game slump, they were outscored by 70 points. They let one dude sack their quarterback six times in a single game. And they allowed what is easily the dumbest Hail Mary touchdown I’ve ever seen:
Everyone knows Alex Smith can’t throw a football over a swimming pool, and yet the Cowboys let Tyreek Hill score anyway. Amazing. It’s almost like a football team owned by a reptilian camera-whore who treats every game like the Grand Opening of a new Carmax lot has trouble being consistent! FANCY THAT.
Your coach: Jason Garrett. Ever since the Double J shitcanned Jimmy Johnson for not participating in a bar toast and let Barry Switzer coach a Super Bowl while drunk, he has bent over backwards to bring in replacement-level head coaches and keep them around FOREVER to show the world that he’s not the drunken, impulsive freakshow he’s made out to be (and is!). As a result, the Cowboys occasionally fart out a 13-3 season, lose in the divisional round, and then suck for another four years before repeating the process all over again. You are currently entering one of those pronounced dips once more. America rejoices.
Your quarterback: Dak Prescott. Who could have predicted that Dak would regress in his second year and bear more of a resemblance to a fourth-round pick than a miracle franchise savior… except for the entire free world? It’s only gonna get worse for Dak, because I’ve seen this receiving corps and it’s fucking atrocious. Maybe that’s why he’s already kowtowing to his owner.
[video]https://youtu.be/4-LKF7X0Vu8[/video]
Suck up to Jerry and you will only grow more entrenched the more you underperform. It’s the same reason he still stands by Papa John, after all. By the end of this season, Dak is gonna have Quincy Carter’s numbers and he’ll still get a $75 million extension out of it. The NFL is in constant and dire need of fun, interesting young players, so of course Dak Prescott goes to Dallas and, in just two years, transforms into a lifeless company man. Georgia Tech will have a better passing offense than this team.
Behind Dak is something called Cooper Rush. That is the most Dallas name I’ve ever heard. Cooper Rush is a guy with frosted tips and Pennzoil-branded polo shirt who ejaculates pure Donkey Sauce.
What’s new that sucks: Dez is gone and burned every last bridge on the way out, which is fine because he’s been overrated for the past three years. The problem is that the Cowboys made virtually no effort to replace him with anyone useful. They’re gonna start Terrance Williams, man! Terrance Williams can’t even keep his CAR in bounds. Here’s Tavon Austin, who is good for one 60-yard reverse in garbage time twice a year. Here’s Allen Hurns, who had one good year with Blake Bortles before reverting back to being a dude named Allen Hurns. I was saying WHOOOO-urns. Jason Witten retired and his replacement is something called Geoff Swaim. Cole Beasley is still around and I hate him. That guy catches one slant route and suddenly every girl in fringe boots at the stadium is like COWL BEASLEY CAIN HAVE MAH BAYBAY!
The good news on offense is that the offensive line is still the Vaunted Cowboys Offensive Line™ (you must use the word “vaunted” when referring to it or else Jerry replaces you in the TV booth with a different ex-Cowboy), and Zeke Elliot is back for a full season. Last year, this man was suspended and then unsuspended and then re-suspended roughly 98,000 times. But now he’s back for good, which means Garrett will be forced to run him 50 times a game. AND you’ll get to be constantly reminded that Zeke is a complete prick.
Also, Zeke’s Dad is an Urban Meyer truther, so that’s neat. Jerry Jones will only stand by his players if they’ve assaulted someone.
Zack Martin is hurt already. Take away those three All-Pro linemen and this is Cleveland’s roster.
What has always sucked: It’s genuinely amazing that the #MeToo movement got Foghorn Leghorn out of the paint in Carolina, but somehow the Viagra-addled boa constrictor who presides over the Cowboys still remains tightly wrapped around the entire league. If you had to sketch out a worst-case scenario for America upon its founding, Jerry Jones would pretty much be it: a sentient tongue with everyone else’s money to burn.
This man’s brain is in his dick. Like the NFL itself, there is no PR crisis that Jerry Jones cannot make worse by barging in with his bad taste, his wooden fangs, and his wrinkly hard-on. He’ll just ride in, loaded up on Johnnie Walker, and then he’ll take a steaming dump to mark his territory. Jerry cannot live if he is not the sun around which all earthly garbage must orbit. He tried to get Zeke off and failed. He tried to get Roger Goodell ousted, failed, and got fined $2 million in the process. He tried to impose his own anthem policy on his team and failed. He took a knee BEFORE a game last year in an attempt to look compassionate (and to sleazily pre-empt any mid-song protest) and failed. He tried to stand for the anthem himself and failed.
And yet, this twangin’ racist shitheel still gets to be treated like Texas royalty. In trying to purge the NFL of any political context, Jerry Jones himself has become a political statement. He stands for all our societal ills. He is every rich corrupt asshole with busy fingers, feverishly trying to pry open both your wallet and your legs. That is why the Cowboys are now Ted Cruz: The Football Team, right down to the fact that they don’t actually win anything important. He is a horrible, nasty old shit.
“I’m very sad,” Jones said after the Cowboys’ win at the Oakland Raiders. “Jerry is one of the really, really, really outstanding men of football that I’ve ever met, and I really admire him. I know that he made it the old-fashioned way. He worked for it. He took what he made in a short time in pro football and turned it into a great business and then used that to get the Carolina franchise. So he’s a great story.”
See, that’s just like both Jerrys. Call yourself a self-made man and you get to act as if the world owes you everything. Look at this smug asshole:
That’s a man who knows he can fuck up over and over and over again but it doesn’t matter because he’s swindled his way into being bulletproof. Any defeat for Jerry is a win so long as it’s PUBLIC, and so long as his stupid toothy mug is seared onto your brain. This really is America’s Team, if you consider how fucking warped America is at the moment.
By the way, Cowboys fans are no better. They’re all cul-de-sac garbage from Highland Park and Frisco who congregate at Jerryworld because that’s the apex of fine culture to them. They’re also delusional idiots:
That’s such a Cowboys fan mentality. Like Jerry, Cowboys fans think all of their shortcomings are because someone has treated them very unfairly.
Sean Lee is gonna get hurt again. David Irving has already been suspended AGAIN. A week from now, Randy Gregory will be suspended 12 games for inhaling secondhand Pall Mall smoke as he’s walking out of the stadium. Get used to a lot more swing pass Hail Marys, kids.
Dez dropped the ball.
What might not suck: How old is Jerry? 75? Hey, maybe he’ll die!
Let’s remember a guy who sucked: I miss the days of Jerry personally drafting players like Kavika Pittman and Sherman Williams. Those were the good times. Just Jerry and a pint of overpriced whiskey and 17 yes-men in the war room, all of them looking on in horror as Jerry drafts anyone with broad shoulders and a sex addiction.
