Happy birthday rob, sorry for the shitty not very bright players.
Here is a tip, dumb it down for three weeks so maybe some of these guys can figure out what is going on.
Put up pictures of the other team with the football and instruct them to tackle them and things of this nature.
it might work and might not, I think this is what parcells and phillips were forced to do towards the end...
Or maybe pictures of the other players wearing jerseys made of money, since that is a priority of many of these guys. I bet they will want to get their hands on money.
But if it doesnt work out you can always go the parcells route and switch to a 4-3 for the final game....
Then retire.