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Why Your Team Sucks 2014: Dallas Cowboys
by Drew Magary
Some people are fans of the Dallas Cowboys. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Dallas Cowboys. This 2014 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.
Your team: Dallas Cowboys.
Your 2013 record: 8-8. I forgot they blew a 26-3 halftime lead against Green Bay and lost. At this point, all of the chokes have blended together. It's a blur, really.
Your coach: Hmm. Yes. Indeed…
Boy, that sums up everything, doesn't it? Look at Princeton Boy sitting there, just waiting to have a shoebox filled with oily diarrhea handed to him. You could replace Jason Garrett will literally anyone, and nothing about the Cowboys would be different. You could replace him with Chip Kelly. You could replace him with a Dustbuster. It doesn't matter. No matter who you are, you don't get a war room phone. You sit on your hands and you smile like a fool.
Your quarterback: Tony Romo. This is where I remind you that Jerry Jones gifted $55 million to Romo before last season, and now Romo's back is completely shot. We can go ahead and say it now: You have seen the best of Tony Romo. All that choking at the end of the regular season in years past? That was the good stuff. He's not gonna stay healthy long enough to even tease your cock this season. It's all over. And I think he came to peace with that fact a very long time ago.
Thankfully, the Cowboys have the deluxe security blanket of BRANDON WEEDEN ready when Romo's entire lower body is paralyzed. God, they really brought in Weeden. Imagine going out on cruise ship, and the cruise ship's emergency dinghy consists of two Mountain Dew bottles lashed together. That's Brandon Weeden.
What's new that sucks: There's just so much, I don't even know where to begin! Let's see… Oh, I know! Okay, they lost DeMarcus Ware, who was their best defensive lineman despite having a leg amputated. They demoted Monte Kiffin one year after hiring him to study tape of old Father Dowling Mysteries episodes with the defense. Their shitty nickelback got busted staring at glowsticks with Wes Welker. The third worst defense IN LEAGUE HISTORY somehow got worse. The owner tried to draft Johnny Manziel before his son ripped the draft card away from him. They got caught wining and dining the league's head of officials and no one in the NFL seems to care because Dallas would lose even WITH crooked refereeing. The owner apparently doesn't know how to receive a blowjob. He was also the victim of attempted blackmail after being photographed with a bunch of prostitutes, and everyone kind of shrugged and said "yep, that's Jerry." He also tampered with Adrian Peterson IN FRONT OF A GODDAMN REPORTER.
They signed multiple arrestee Rolando McClain, who once retired from football because he was too out of shape to make it through training camp, and the owner defended the signing by saying, "I just like his story."
The team also welcomed back Josh Brent, who killed his own teammate while driving drunk. Brent will return to the team in Week 11 and is already their best defender. At least he knows how to hit people.
Oh, and they signed Michael Sam. Despite having an absolutely horrible d-line that is already injured, you are still absolutely within your rights to believe Jerry Jones signed Sam strictly for publicity. He probably thinks Sam plays wideout.
What has always sucked: Did I mention the owner? Because holy shit, even Castro isn't harder to kill. This is all very sad now. The Cowboys aren't even interestingly, flamboyantly ridiculous anymore. They don't have the energy to be bugfuck insane. They are a broken down amusement park with only three rides left open. The owner is an alcoholic who uses the team strictly for cocktail party chatter. The coach is a ginger meat puppet. The QB is running out of vertebrae. And the defense is historically atrocious.
At this point, explaining why the Cowboys suck is like explaining why the sky is dark at night. Their suckiness is its own immutable law. The most notable thing about them over the past few years is that they have a big TV. If you're fan of any other team, the Cowboys exist so that, no matter what else happens with your team, you can say "At least we aren't the Cowboys." You can just assume whatever move the Cowboys make is bad and driven solely by Jerry Jones' toddler-like lust for attention. I bet if Jerry Jones ever found himself alone in a room for more than five minutes, he would have a nervous breakdown. Name any other franchise that could have as many titles as the Cowboys and still fashion themselves into their league's longest running joke. It shouldn't be possible.
As I point out every year, this is precisely what Dallas fans deserve. You will not find a fanbase that has engendered less sympathy for its current plight. Have you ever been to Dallas? SPOILER: It's America's worst city. Everything people decry about traffic, sprawl, McMansions, and general American vapidity is embodied by Dallas. These are the people who are way too excited to have access to the United Club. It's a tacky town filled with tacky people and they have earned the tackiest team in the history of organized football. Fuck Dallas. Fuck the Cowboys. And since this is the end of the series this year, fuck everyone.
What might not suck: Somehow Dan Snyder is worse. And younger.
by Drew Magary
Some people are fans of the Dallas Cowboys. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Dallas Cowboys. This 2014 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.
Your team: Dallas Cowboys.
Your 2013 record: 8-8. I forgot they blew a 26-3 halftime lead against Green Bay and lost. At this point, all of the chokes have blended together. It's a blur, really.
Your coach: Hmm. Yes. Indeed…
Boy, that sums up everything, doesn't it? Look at Princeton Boy sitting there, just waiting to have a shoebox filled with oily diarrhea handed to him. You could replace Jason Garrett will literally anyone, and nothing about the Cowboys would be different. You could replace him with Chip Kelly. You could replace him with a Dustbuster. It doesn't matter. No matter who you are, you don't get a war room phone. You sit on your hands and you smile like a fool.
Your quarterback: Tony Romo. This is where I remind you that Jerry Jones gifted $55 million to Romo before last season, and now Romo's back is completely shot. We can go ahead and say it now: You have seen the best of Tony Romo. All that choking at the end of the regular season in years past? That was the good stuff. He's not gonna stay healthy long enough to even tease your cock this season. It's all over. And I think he came to peace with that fact a very long time ago.
Thankfully, the Cowboys have the deluxe security blanket of BRANDON WEEDEN ready when Romo's entire lower body is paralyzed. God, they really brought in Weeden. Imagine going out on cruise ship, and the cruise ship's emergency dinghy consists of two Mountain Dew bottles lashed together. That's Brandon Weeden.
What's new that sucks: There's just so much, I don't even know where to begin! Let's see… Oh, I know! Okay, they lost DeMarcus Ware, who was their best defensive lineman despite having a leg amputated. They demoted Monte Kiffin one year after hiring him to study tape of old Father Dowling Mysteries episodes with the defense. Their shitty nickelback got busted staring at glowsticks with Wes Welker. The third worst defense IN LEAGUE HISTORY somehow got worse. The owner tried to draft Johnny Manziel before his son ripped the draft card away from him. They got caught wining and dining the league's head of officials and no one in the NFL seems to care because Dallas would lose even WITH crooked refereeing. The owner apparently doesn't know how to receive a blowjob. He was also the victim of attempted blackmail after being photographed with a bunch of prostitutes, and everyone kind of shrugged and said "yep, that's Jerry." He also tampered with Adrian Peterson IN FRONT OF A GODDAMN REPORTER.
They signed multiple arrestee Rolando McClain, who once retired from football because he was too out of shape to make it through training camp, and the owner defended the signing by saying, "I just like his story."
The team also welcomed back Josh Brent, who killed his own teammate while driving drunk. Brent will return to the team in Week 11 and is already their best defender. At least he knows how to hit people.
Oh, and they signed Michael Sam. Despite having an absolutely horrible d-line that is already injured, you are still absolutely within your rights to believe Jerry Jones signed Sam strictly for publicity. He probably thinks Sam plays wideout.
What has always sucked: Did I mention the owner? Because holy shit, even Castro isn't harder to kill. This is all very sad now. The Cowboys aren't even interestingly, flamboyantly ridiculous anymore. They don't have the energy to be bugfuck insane. They are a broken down amusement park with only three rides left open. The owner is an alcoholic who uses the team strictly for cocktail party chatter. The coach is a ginger meat puppet. The QB is running out of vertebrae. And the defense is historically atrocious.
At this point, explaining why the Cowboys suck is like explaining why the sky is dark at night. Their suckiness is its own immutable law. The most notable thing about them over the past few years is that they have a big TV. If you're fan of any other team, the Cowboys exist so that, no matter what else happens with your team, you can say "At least we aren't the Cowboys." You can just assume whatever move the Cowboys make is bad and driven solely by Jerry Jones' toddler-like lust for attention. I bet if Jerry Jones ever found himself alone in a room for more than five minutes, he would have a nervous breakdown. Name any other franchise that could have as many titles as the Cowboys and still fashion themselves into their league's longest running joke. It shouldn't be possible.
As I point out every year, this is precisely what Dallas fans deserve. You will not find a fanbase that has engendered less sympathy for its current plight. Have you ever been to Dallas? SPOILER: It's America's worst city. Everything people decry about traffic, sprawl, McMansions, and general American vapidity is embodied by Dallas. These are the people who are way too excited to have access to the United Club. It's a tacky town filled with tacky people and they have earned the tackiest team in the history of organized football. Fuck Dallas. Fuck the Cowboys. And since this is the end of the series this year, fuck everyone.
What might not suck: Somehow Dan Snyder is worse. And younger.
Apt.
